Before it even began...

So I was going through an old diary of mine this morning, and I came across a little 'story' I'd written a couple of years ago, when 'How To Be A Hunter's Wife' was just an idea banging around the corners of my skull. Back then, I'd thought this idea of mine would be a book (and maybe one day it still will?), until I realised it would be much easier to at least get it started online, in the form of a blog/website. I spent a fair bit of time explaining to people what the concept of it was, and the tongue-in-cheek nature of it.
Anyhoo... as you'll see, my writing style has matured somewhat since I first began, and although the umbrella of information remains the same, I guess you could say it's a little less flamboyant than this first piece...
DISCLAIMER: I'm not as much of a dork as the following makes me sound. Quite frankly, it's just too funny not to share.

http://www.chickswithgunsbook.com/

Hunting yourself a Hunter - how to bag the big one.
Tracking down your own hunk of big game can be difficult with the growth of cities and with it Metro-sexual
men! There are less areas that can be considered densely populated pockets of hunters. But with food prices rising more of us are finding ways to be more self-sufficient. And having a man who can hunt in your life will greatly reduce your protein bill, and increase your exercise or, if you choose not to go along on the hunt, boost your "me" time!
The very nature of hunters make them pretty hard to track down for a lot of women. Having said that, they are predictable if you know what the beasts are doing, what are their movements? For example, knowing when the roar (or rut) and duck shooting opening weekend are is vital. If you know when he'll be hunting, you can predict when he'll be shopping. The single hunter will have to shop for supplies in the week (probably the day) before any hunt. And then he's on YOUR turf! At the supermarket check the following aisles - canned goods and instant meals, bread, small goods (bacon, sausages, chops), eggs, beer. And be ready with advice to spark a conversation i.e.: "That other bacon is on special, and much better quality, you should try it? Are you stocking up for the opening weekend?". If you're feeling brave you can venture onto his territory and check out your local hunting & fishing shop. There's loads of interesting stuff in there to browse while you scope for opportunity, you'll be surprised!

http://huntdrop.com/drop/bow-hunting-women

Hunters are rarely around during the weekend, but if they aren't hunting, you might find them at your local country pub, a rugby game, or at a Deer Stalkers' Association  meeting (at the local country pub!). If you're actually interested in learning to hunt, the DSA is probably THE best place to start. Possibly a bit intimidating but if you're brave enough to go, a good hunting gentleman will not be able to say no to a girl with a common interest. And you'll quickly be able to tell a gentleman from a boy. From this point, you really want to sit back and drop the hunt. Put yourself in the right environment, let out a couple of stag roars (metaphorically
speaking, don't do this for real or they'll think you're taking the piss) and allow yourself to be hunted. The rest is 'Pulling a Man 101', and we all know how to do that right!? Flutter the lashes a bit, be cute but fierce, naive but intelligent, be inquisitive and genuinely interested in whatever he's talking about, be confident but not pushy. The rest is up to nature.
Things to consider when ticking off the assets of a potential hunting partner/husband for me are:
Eats what he kills (as much as possible)
Never allow an animal to suffer or be cruel to animals for their own sick enjoyment
Have a good balance of work, play and love
Realise the value of being able to hunt and hold a gun license, in NZ it is a privilege not a right, and one that can be taken away if you act like a dick basically
Patience - in hunting, teaching others (ie you!) how to hunt, and life in general
Realise the value of YOU, again - a privilege not a right, and if he's a dick, you're outta there!

What's in your gun cabinet?
Now, don't think that just because you're trying to snag yourself somewhat of an old-fashioned, chivalrous provider (one who'll literally bring home the bacon!) that you can let yourself go! No no... quite the opposite. I think we need to refer back to the 50's/60's mentality a bit (feminists, hang on to your burning bras and hold your hate mail!). Most good kiwi blokes (and I'll even go so far as to say most men worldwide) want a trophy of sorts, but they don't want Barbie! They want someone who's not afraid to muck in, get up to their elbows in blood, mud and guts, but who scrubs up for when the boys come round for a beer, mum comes round for dinner, or just for him (if he's been a good boy, he probably deserves it). I'm not saying you have to banish your fave comfy trackies and slippers to the back of the wardrobe, they certainly still have their place, and that is DVD night or when you're sick! Couch attire shall we say? I guess what I'm getting at is, in the way that a stag tosses his head and antlers in scrub to 'ornate' himself for his mate, we should do the same. And on that note, it is absolutely acceptable to expect the same from your hunter! And if he doesn't do it naturally, don't despair, it's relatively easy to train him to do so, especially if you use the stag in the roar analogy!
On the subject of hunting talk, it helps to have at least a little interest. You don't have to start spouting tall tales about the huge 18 pointer you shot last year (best not to, they'll know you're stretching the truth, although they'd no doubt appreciate the effort!). You don't even really have to be into the whole hunting/shooting business, just an interest in the outdoors and nature will do in most cases. Most hunters enjoy the solitary and serenity of being in the bush as much as the hunting itself.
I guess one of the most important things (and this goes for attracting ANY man) is to just be yourself! It seems obvious I know, but so many women pretend to be something they're not on day one and then either have to keep up the charade forever after or come clean to the man (in my case - actually I don't love
venison/duck/quail, I'm a vegetarian!). And unless he finds it endearing that you went to such lengths to get a second date, he'll probably just be pissed off that you mislead him! After all, he could have gone on a second date with that bird that shot the 18 pointer last year!

Uncle Aitchy's Baked Trout

Uncle Aitchy is a bit of a classic kiwi bloke. The strong, silent type. Accomplished digger driver. Always has a classic line at the most unexpected times. And in good hunter gatherer style, is a keen fly-fisherman.
Over the years the hunter has often provided Uncle Aitchy with a feed of venison, or duck (or what ever else it was that met it's end over the weekend...), so every now and then we are lucky recipients of a beautiful, fresh Alpine Trout.

This is Aitchy's recipe and a fun way to serve trout, especially to people who think they don't like it.
Note that in this case I used a side of trout, but you can just as easily use a whole trout and just stuff the filling in the gut cavity.
This is a blokes recipe so it's pretty hard to mess this one up.

Ingredients:

A side of Trout
1-2 Tomatoes
1 small red onion or large spring onion
1/2 Red Pepper (Capsicum)
2 mushrooms (any type)
1 Lemon
Olive Oil

Method:
Finely dice the tomatoes, onion, capsicum, and mushrooms.
Pile evenly onto the flesh of the fish. Chuck a few of slices of lemon over the top. Pour on a good glug of quality olive oil.
Bake at 180 deg Celsius until cooked through (20+ mins).
Serve with a fresh green salad.

Duck Shooter's Bacon & Egg Pie

Every May, kiwi hunter's wives are assigned the task of creating the ultimate Bacon & Egg pie, for a 'Duck Shooter's Pie-off'. There is much prestige bestowed upon the hunter who's wife makes the best pie. It should be crisp on top, not have a soggy bottom (heaven forbid!), be juicy but not messy to devour, and nourishing, as it may be the only thing he gets to eat till they get to the pub for dinner later that evening. Also, it must have a happy balance of two vital ingredients - bacon and eggs!

Here's my fool proof recipe (totally adaptable & dependent on the size of your dish…)

Ingredients:

500 gms streaky bacon, cut into 3cm pieces (preferably free farmed)

6-8 eggs (depending on size, but always free range!)

2-3 sheets of pre-rolled savoury pastry, (not puff, tends to go soggy. Make your own if you're really going for brownie points)

1 cup frozen Peas

Onion (or shallots or spring onion)

Grated Cheese

Mushrooms

Salt & Pepper

Method

Preheat the oven to 180 deg Celsius.

Line a greased baking dish with pastry.

Sprinkle grated cheese on the bottom of the pie (this helps to prevent the soggy bottom!)

Meanwhile, fry the bacon, onion & mushrooms till the onions are softened. Turn the heat off and stir through the peas, not trying to cook them, just combining.

Half fill the pastry lined dish with the bacon/onion/mushroom/pea mix.

Crack in 3-4 eggs. My hunter prefers the yolks left unbroken, but break them if you'd rather.

Pour in the rest of the filling mix, and crack in the remaining eggs, salt and pepper the top (easy on the salt, the bacon should take care of that for you).

Top with more grated cheese, and/or a pastry lid. For extra brownie points do a lattice, but avoid getting too fancy, love hearts and messages will only embarrass him in front of his fellow hunters.
Place on a rack in the middle of the oven, and cook till golden brown!

Bacon & Egg pie is made to be shared among men and as much as I'd love to tell you how many it will serve, it's entirely dependant on the size of your dish and the hunger of your man/men!

The Day The Hunter Did Himself A Mischief!

Ruby

I remember it well because it was the weekend of my birthday, early August, a beautiful bluebird day, and I was spending the Saturday with a good friend of mine skiing at a local resort. We’d had the most incredible run of good weather, almost spring like. The snow was crisp on top and heavy underfoot.

From casually walking along the ridge, to slide city!

The hunter decided to take our wee Ruby (English Springer, 2 years old at the time) for a hunt up in the valley for goat or deer, whichever crossed his path first. Up the right hand side of the valley, which gets little sun, they walked and walked and walked, for what seemed like miles probably, with no sign of anything. Nice day for a walk luckily. As he was making his way quietly across the ridge line glassing over the other side for any animals having a lazy winter lunch in the sun, boots on snow, he felt his foot start to slip out, the crusty snow top had become ice... He quickly had his legs whipped out from underneath him, and had no chance of regaining his footing. He tried repeatedly to use his rifle as an ice pick, but the ice was too hard, and the slide too fast. Poor Ruby (ever loyal) had obediently followed along, despite the Hunter telling her to stay, she proceeded to slide down the hill at a million miles an hour just meters above him! It must have been quite a sight! They slid for a hundred meters or so, luckily (??) he saw a rose hip bush in his path and was able to bring his slide to an abrupt halt by throwing himself into it, ouch. Meanwhile, Ruby went flying over the top of him and slid a further 50 meters or so, her claws like little ice skates, providing her no grip whatsoever! She too, eventually came to a stop with the help of a thorny bush, although more by luck than choice! It took some serious coaxing to get her to come out of the bush, she was so shaken by her big slide!

Hunter and dog reunited after quite a scare, the hunter checked Ruby over for any injuries, and she got the all clear. He wasn’t quite so lucky… on inspection of his upper thigh he discovered he’d left a few layers of skin on the ice! His trusty stubbies had failed him. And although the bush had saved him from sliding further, it wasn't an entirely friendly shrub, the scratches across both legs were evidence of that. Queue graphic photo... I guess at the time it was numbed with the cold, the real extent of the injury wouldn’t make itself clear until later in the day… the post-hunt shower…

I called the hunter on my way home from my day in the snow to see if he wanted to catch up for a beer to compare stories of our days adventures, blissfully unaware of what he’d been up to, and was greeted with the words a hunter’s wife dreads; “Ruby and I did ourselves a wee mischief today out hunting…” 

Of course I fear the worst! Do we still have a wee Ruby? Vet Bills? Broken bones? Rolled the truck? What kind of mischief!? He filled me in on the basics, and I was somewhat relieved that it seemed no permanent damage was done to either dog or hunter.

When I got home, poor Ruby was still shaking on her beanbag (3 hours later!), eyes wide like her life had flashed before her! The hunter was only slightly better, whiskey and adrenaline are an amazing cocktail for pain relief and story telling it would seem. The wound was raw, but clean, right down to the meat. He was icing it, as much as he could handle, but it was incredibly painful.

In the days following, we tried a number of different dressings for the wound, unfortunately it was a bit of a trial and error. One error we made was to put a fabric dressing on it… which had to be removed in the shower because of course it stuck to the raw meat. I’ve never seen a man drop to his knees in such pain, I thought he was going to pass out… I was gently trying to remove it, slowly, slowly. But he insisted I rip it off like a band-aid… I ripped and ran! After that (and a fair bit of googling and consulting the pharmacist), we discovered the magic of ‘moist wound healing’. Although pretty gross, it definitely worked! Basically, when you have an raw open wound like that (like a burn), you cover it in a plastic shield (like a second skin bandage), allow the shield to fill with the wound’s healing fluids (yes pus and blood…) and VERY carefully change the shield daily, giving the wound a bit of time in between to get some air. It’s smelly and revolting (you can thank me later for not providing any photos of the dressing changes), but works and is much less painful than the alternative. It's also is less likely to leave a scar. It took about a week of the expensive second skins, but once over the worst of it, it healed extremely quickly.

You’re probably asking yourself, “why didn’t he just go to the doctor!?”, and yes I suggested that to him.  But we really didn’t think there was anything a doctor could do that we couldn’t. It didn't need stitches, we had antiseptic powder and the appropriate bandaging. We kept it clean, changed the dressing regularly, watched for any signs of infection, and a week later, happy days, it was well and truly looking a whole lot better. Lucky escape for both man and dog. And no, he didn’t shoot anything that day, but what an experience! And that my friends, is what we call, doing yourself a mischief!

The hunter returns...

The hunter calls me an hour before he'll be due home, enough time to warn me to sort the house out (put beer in the fridge and get dinner on!) and prepare for his return. There's alot of sorting of smelly, wet gear to be dealt to when he gets back! Not to mention the ducks to deal with. Luckily this time, due to the damp nature of the weekend, we're hanging them for a couple of days before we have to pluck them, a slight reprieve... but watch this space.

And so it begins...

So here I am, Saturday May 7th 2011, in my newly acquired swannie (given to me by my oh-so-generous sister who conveniently works at a recycling center) ...Blogging.  Well at least I look the part!